


Swinging to the opposite end is not a healthy coping mechanism

by Anonymous



Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Bug Chaser, Bug Chasing, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Explicit Consent, HIV/AIDS, Lying about kinks, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Secret fantasy, They are both consenting but Eddie has Secret Thoughts that Richie would NOT approve of, Unsafe Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:06:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24115480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Please read the tags!!Richie tells Eddie that he's HIV+. Eddie is scared and terrified, at first. Later that fear twists itself into desire. It's a way to overcome everything he had been taught growing up, right? Kinks are a safe way to explore fears, right? There's nothing wrong with just a little fantasy about your husband giving you HIV as long as it doesn't actually happen...right?
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 9
Kudos: 87
Collections: Anonymous





	Swinging to the opposite end is not a healthy coping mechanism

**Author's Note:**

> Okay listen. It was written during the AIDS crisis and looking at how Richie behaved, going "gaily bare backing", in California of all places? It wouldn't be surprising if he became HIV+ and that combined with Eddie's intense fear of "dirtiness" and disease?? Is just a recipe for disaster but also Eddie overcompensating for his trauma in the most UNHEALTHY of ways. I knew about bug chasing and really wanted to explore how Eddie would deal with his trauma and finding out his husband was HIV+ because OOOH BOY is that a Lot to unpack.

Eddie feels so  _ guilty  _ for his thoughts. It’s a disgusting twist in his gut whenever they resurface. His throat tightens and he wants to reach for his inhaler to ease the ache. He’s thrown back to his childhood, his mind repeating all of the warnings and facts that had been forced onto him when he was young. 

When Richie had first told him that he had HIV, Eddie threw up. They had been dating, if they wanted to call it that, for several weeks. Mostly holding hands, sleeping curled up against each other, laughing and and slapping each other just like when they were young. And kissing too, lots of kissing. Eddie realized he loved kissing and being kissed. Soft kisses on the forehead, quick ones across the back of knuckles, hard and aggressive ones during hot make out sessions. 

No sex though. Whenever they started to get more heated, Richie had been the one to make some joke to break the mood, or come up with an excuse. Eddie didn’t mind at first. He was just as scared of their first time,  _ his  _ first time. The idea of actually,  _ finally _ , having sex with another man was thrilling and terrifying. 

Eddie eventually got the courage to properly ask Richie to fuck him. He sat him down, cock half hard in his pants as he told him, heart pounding with excitement. Richie’s face dropped when Eddie spoke, something Eddie had seen less than ten times in their lives together. 

And that was when Richie told him. He was straight forward, solemn and serious, as he said to Eddie “I need to tell you something,” and told him he was HIV positive. There was a shake in his hands that held Eddie’s that was only there on cold nights and sobering recoveries.

His memory is blurry of what happened next. He could still feel the way his stomach hit the floor, remembers the room swaying. He had stumbled to the bathroom while Richie sat fearfully on the couch, and locked the door as he collapsed over the toilet and vomited. There were tears and shaking and he remembers feeling like an absolute idiot for not grabbing his inhaler. 

After sitting in there for hours, crying, shaking, dry heaving, he eventually crawled back out and apologized for his reaction. Richie was understanding to a heartbreaking degree. Told Eddie that they didn’t have to stay together if he didn’t want to, knew how Eddie felt about disease and being dirty and how Richie loved him enough that he would rather him be happy than force himself to stay in the relationship. 

They talked about it for a long,  _ long  _ time, both having to struggle with their own emotions about the situation. The guilt, the shame, the desire to still be close to each other because it was  _ them  _ was overwhelming. There was tension in every touch that passed between them that hadn’t been there before Eddie knew. 

Eddie did his research. He listened to what Richie told him, looked at resources, and quietly talked to other people he found were in a similar situation. It was hard, and he had so, so many panic attacks. Old voice of his mother creeping up to remind him how dirty and disgusting he was, how Richie just proved that she was right and that he had better get out before it was too late. But he fought back against that. He loved Richie more than he was scared of anything. He’d been through hell and back already for him, he could overcome this. 

It's weeks before they even try having sex again, and it takes months before they’re actually able to get far enough. Condom wrapped hand jobs, Richie giving sloppy blowjobs, mutual masturbation while watching each other. It’s over a year after they first got together before they actually do penetrative sex. 

Richie’s on medication, they’ve checked his viral load multiple times to make sure it’s working, buy several packs of condoms and keep them around the house, in drawers, pockets. It’s very slow, careful, Richie checking in with every movement to make sure that Eddie is okay. And that’s when things start to go downhill for Eddie. 

The moment Richie’s cock presses into him, Eddie is overcome by emotions. Fear, anxiety, love, and  _ arousal.  _ He clung to Richie like a flotation device to keep him from drowning. He cries and moans and shakes as Richie fucks him, spreads him open and fills him. Eddie loves how big and warm he is, how thick he feels in his ass. 

When Richie fucks into him hard and strokes him and Eddie can hear his moan change and he warns Eddie that he’s close, Eddie starts to cry. Richie goes to ask if he’s okay but Eddie doesn’t let him. He grabs his face and kisses him hard, humping back on his cock before shoving his hand between them and stroking himself furiously. Richie groans deep in his chests as he cums, rocking into Eddie and shaking. 

Eddie’s stomach flips when he feels Richie cumming and his orgasm hits him hard and sudden. His mind is overcome with the idea of Richie cumming inside him, the possibility of danger making his heart pound. He knows it’s safe, they’ve taken so many precautions and he knows it’s  _ safe,  _ he won’t catch anything. But just the thought, the knowledge that he  _ could,  _ he could if things went wrong, just a little, makes him shudder and keen and want to scream and cry as it pushes him over the edge and has him spilling all over his stomach. 

Eddie hadn’t been right after that first time. 

Every time they fucked, he thought about it. And they fucked a  _ lot  _ after that bridge was broken and burned. Eddie didn’t realize how much of a sex drive he really had until he was actually having sex with a man. And Richie was so unbearably hot that Eddie’s sex drive was at a solid 11/10. 

Sometimes he cried after they got done fucking, when Richie was pulling out and unrolling the condom and tossing it away, cleaning himself up carefully. Richie was so careful. He never let them get too far without putting the condom on, he always made sure to clean up and to check that it wasn’t broken when he pulled out. Eddie could tell what was going through his head.  _ Can’t let Eddie catch anything, can’t do that to him. Eddie must be so scared, I can’t believe he’s letting me do this. I have to make sure things go okay, have to make sure he stays safe and clean.  _

His chest aches at the thought of how much Richie cares about him, understands his fears so well, but also aches because Richie doesn’t  _ actually know  _ what his thoughts are. The guilt curls up and settles in his stomach when they get done fucking, and he takes the few moments that Richie is cleaning up to drag himself back together. 

_ I’m so disgusting,  _ he thinks as he lays in the bed, listening to Richie wash his hands. But it’s okay, he’s okay, right? There’s no harm in some silent fantasies, no matter how gross they are.  _ I mean, it’s not like it’s  _ illegal.  _ It’s just gross and disgusting and oh god I’m so fucked up.  _ It’s fucked up thinking about your HIV positive boyfriend fucking you bareback, to think about what his cum would feel like filling you up and swimming in your guts. Getting off on the idea of  _ what if he infected me?  _ Eddie was so fucked up. 

_ But it’s okay, I’m okay _ , he tells himself. He didn’t actually  _ want  _ to catch HIV. It was just the thrill, the idea of going against everything he had ever been taught. People had fetishes about childhood fears and traumas all the time, didn’t they? He was safe, they made sure of that. Kinks and fetishes were a safe way to explore scary things, people used it all the time as a method to cope. It just felt so  _ good  _ and  _ awful  _ and that’s what turned him on so much. 

“Richie,” Eddie says softly one night. They had had a calm day. Both of them taking the day off, going to watch some cheap and cheesy movie and laughing at it until they almost wet themselves. Expensive dinner, snickering at dirty jokes made under their breath and the scandalous nature of saying things like that in such a classy place. They came home and curled up on the couch, watching TV and reading books until the sun went down and they would have to go to bed. 

“Yeah, sweetie?” Richie responds, tilting his head towards him as he kept watching the TV. 

Eddie swallowed hard, thumb nail repeatedly flicking over the edge of the book he was holding, curled up on the other side of the couch with his feet against Richie’s thigh. “I’ve been having some thoughts,” he says. “Horny thoughts,” he adds on quickly, feeling his face flush in embarrassment. He knew if he didn’t, Richie’s mind would jump around to find what he must’ve done wrong that needed to be talked about. 

“Ohh, horny thoughts?” Richie damn near purrs as he actually turns to look at him, that getting his attention dragged away from the TV. “What kind of horny thoughts?” he asked, setting a hand on Eddie’s shin and sliding it up teasingly. 

Eddie’s heart pounded in his chest as he made eye contact, those beautiful blue eyes carving him open. “I want you to raw me,” he spat out, knowing if he tried to word it any better he wouldn’t be able to get it out, would make up some other thing to sheepishly admit to while avoiding his real desire. His cock ached as he spoke and he cursed himself for having such a libido. 

Richie blinked at him for a moment before throwing his head back and laughing, slapping his hand on Eddie’s leg. “Oh yeah, baby? Want me to take you bareback like I’ve done with all those folks back when I still had a vasectomy?” His voice was jovial, as if he didn’t realize how hot it made Eddie to hear him say that. 

“Yes,” he replied seriously. His jaw ached from clenching it so tightly and he thought he might pass out from how hard his heart was beating, but he refused to look away. It was now or never, he didn’t know if he’d ever have the bravery to do this again. 

Richie stared, back at him, eyes flickering back and forth across his face. Eddie didn’t get serious often, not like this. The tension made Eddie want to sprint out of the room, to run and run until his heart pounded from the effort to keep his body moving instead of confronting his boyfriend. 

“Eddie,” he says softly, swallowing and pushing his thick glasses up. “You’re joking, right? I mean, we can’t….”

“No, I’m serious.” He was trying to keep his breathing normal, to not let his anxiety close his throat like it does. He was getting cold feet, could feel his nerves slipping away from him and his eyes dropped down, unable to look at Richie’s face. 

_ Oh my god he’s hard, _ Eddie realized with fear and delight. Richie’s cock was huge, and it was easy to tell when he got hard, especially when he was lazing around the house in his pajamas. His eyes shot back up to Richie’s, taking in the way his pupils were blown and his face was flushed.

“Eds, no. We can’t. It’s too risky for us to do that. I mean, what if you….what if  _ I-” _

“It’s not that risky,” Eddie cut him off. He dropped the book he was reading onto the floor, brought his legs close and crawled over to him. He braced his shoulder against the back of the couch while reaching down with his one hand to grab Richie’s cock. 

Richie moaned and bit his lip, eyes rolling back slightly before he takes a deep breath and rests a hand on Eddie’s only arm. “We shouldn’t. We  _ can’t.  _ It’s too dangerous, and I don’t want you pushing yourself to do something just because I used to like doing it.”

Eddie whined, kissing at Richie’s neck as his own cock stiffened from feeling Richie’s in his hand. “It’s not dangerous, lots of people do it. You’re on medication, you’re undetectable, the chances of you giving it to me are so low it’s basically impossible,” he rambled against Richie. “I’ve heard about a lot of people going bareback when they’ve been on medication for long enough that their loads come back low and not passing it on to their partners.” 

Richie shuddered as Eddie stroked him through his pants, unable to keep himself from getting turned on. He had  _ loved  _ going bareback before he found out he was positive, that’s what got him into the situation in the first place. Eddie could only imagine how nice it would be if he could do it again and rolled his hips. 

“Please, honey? I’ve been thinking about it for a while and I know how much you liked it and I’ve never gotten to feel that. I want to feel what it’s like to have someone cum inside me,” Eddie continued, pushing his hand down Richie’s pants to grab his cock directly. It was the first time he had touched his cock, skin to skin. He was so warm and soft and felt so  _ good  _ without the thin layer of latex separating them. Imagining what it would feel like to have that thick cock pushing into him without a condom on made him moan deep in his throat. 

“Eddie,” Richie said as he jumped, grabbing Eddie’s wrist to pull him back from his naked cock but instead just locking his fingers around him. Eddie could see the indecision wrinkling over his face and gave his cock a good squeeze.

“Richie, please? Just once, just once. One time won’t hurt, especially when the chances are barely there. Please, Rich, I want to feel your cum inside me, I want to know what it’s like to get fucked properly, to have you bury yourself inside me and to feel it drip when you pull back out,” he begged, whining as he thought about it and his own cock twitched. 

Richie groaned low in his throat as his head fell back against the couch, his fingers twitching around Eddie’s wrist. “Fuck, Eds, you can’t talk like that.”  
Eddie whimpered and used his core to push himself up to lean over Richie, kissing him roughly as he continued to stroke him. He rolled his hips, dragging his cock against Richie’s arm and moaning as Richie kissed him back. 

“Eds,” Richie gasped as he pulled himself away enough to get a word in. “Eddie, okay, okay. Just once, okay? And not tonight. I want to get checked again before we risk it, alright? I swear, Eds, if I gave it to you, I don’t know what I would do,” he said, pressing kisses along the side of Eddie’s face.

He wanted to argue, wanted to scream and tear off Richie’s clothes and just force that raw cock inside of himself without any patience. Instead he let out a soft sob and nodded, kissing him again and pressing his forehead against Richie’s shoulder. “Alright.”

They fucked hard that night, fast and messy and covered in over eager lube. Condom on. Eddie couldn’t stop thinking about how it was going to feel to be flooded with Richie’s cum the whole time. 

A few weeks later and they go to the clinic to check out Richie’s viral load. It comes back low, undetectable, and Eddie has to clench his teeth to keep from showing how giddy he is. Richie even asks the doctor about fucking without a condom. 

“So your load is undetectable, which is good. Studies have shown that people who are undetectable are very unlikely to transmit it to their partners,” the doctor had said. “However, even if the numbers say that there is a “zero” percent chance, that’s never fully true, there’s still a small risk. It’s always recommended to use a condom just for added security since the chances are never completely at zero.” 

Eddie’s heart pounded on the drive home. He knew the risk could never be at absolute zero, but hearing it from a doctor in person made that voice in the back of his head act up.  _ You’ll catch it, Eddie. You’ll catch it and you’ll prove me right, I told you that awful things happened to nasty men who- _

“Want to grab something to eat on the way home?” he asked Richie, glancing at him for a moment to smile. 

They get dinner, they head home, they curl up on the couch and watch trash TV together. Eddie leans against Richie as he munches on a chip, resting his hand on Richie’s thigh between bites. It’s taking all of his energy not to push his hand further and grab that cock of his. 

When the episode ends, Eddie curls up closer to Richie, nuzzling his nose into his shoulder and breathing in deeply. His fingers kneed at Richie’s thigh and slipped a little closer to his cock. “Richie,” he says softly. 

Richie breathes in deeply and Eddie feels his fingers sink into his side. “Yeah, baby?” 

Eddie shivers and teases his fingers along his leg, kissing up under his jaw lightly. “Should we go to bed?” he asked with a smile, squeezing Richie’s thigh.

“Mmm, yeah, let’s do that.”

Eddie grinned and kissed him again, practically jumping off of the couch and holding his hand out to feign helping Richie up. His cock was embarrassingly hard in his pants as he wrapped his arm around Richie’s neck and pulled him down to kiss him, moaning softly into his mouth. 

Richie wrapped his arms around him as well and pulled him close, and Eddie moaned again when he could feel Richie’s hardening cock against his stomach. His hands slid lower down and gripped his ass, dragging him closer. “Hold on to me,” he mumbled against Eddie’s lips.

He bent down to hook his arms under Eddie’s ass and lifted him, and Eddie felt his head spin. Richie  _ knew  _ what that did to him. He only ever picked him up and carried him to the bedroom if he was either sick, or going to get fucked  _ hard.  _

“Richie,” he whined as he clung to him with his one arm. He rolled against him as best as he could without upsetting his grip, burying his face into Richie’s neck as he carried him.

Richie dropped him gently onto the bed and Eddie laughed as he bounced, shimmying his way up towards the pillows and reaching out to pull Richie against him. 

He could feel how hard Richie was against his knee and it sent a shudder through him. Eddie wondered how long it had been since Richie had gone bareback. He wondered how often Richie  _ wanted  _ to go bareback when they fucked. 

Just the thought made Eddie groan loudly and claw at his boyfriend, pulling at his shirt. He was greedy, he wasn't ashamed to admit it. He wanted to get fucked, to get  _ rawed _ , and he wanted it  _ now. _ They grabbed and grinded against each other as they scrambled to strip.

When they got their clothes off, Eddie looked up at Richie, dazed and smiling. Richie's hair was a mess in that specific way that happened when they fucked, his face red and hot and breath shallow. His eyes stared back down at Eddie as he breathed and it took all of Eddie's energy not to start devouring him again. 

"Baby," Eddie said, setting his hand against Richie's cheek. "Please? Please, Richie, I need you to fuck me." His cock had never felt this hard before and a part of his brain worried about priapism after this was all done. 

Richie's big blue eyes softened as he leaned into the touch, pressing a kiss to his thumb. Eddie loved and hated that look, and right now he hated it. Richie was so soft and gentle, full of love. Oh he could be rough when he felt like it, but often Eddie had to push him to that point. Those soft eyes meant Richie was  _ thinking _ , actually thinking with his head and heart. Eddie loved that about him, how he knew Richie cared and adored him, but he wanted  _ more _ . He wanted those soft looks along with the viciousness he could rile out of him every now and then. Sometimes he wished Richie wasn't so kind and respectful and that he would just  _ destroy _ Eddie without worrying about him too much. 

"Are you sure, Ed's? We don't have to, I don't want you thinking that you have to-" 

"For God's sake, Richie. I  _ want. You. To. Raw. Me."  _ Eddie enunciated, made it clear that what Richie wanted, or what Richie thought Eddie thought Richie wanted, didn't matter. "If I don't feel that huge cock of yours in me soon I swear to God I'll tear it off and fuck myself with it." 

Richie smiled and laughed, leaning down to kiss him again. "Aw, come on, babe. You know you would miss the rest of me," he said as he kissed down his neck, his hands dragging down his sides to grip his hips. 

"Try me," he snapped back with a grin, arching up into his touch with a shaky breath. "Or just fuck me and neither of us have to worry about that." 

Richie laughed again and nipped at his neck as one of his hands grabbed Eddie's cock, stroking him lazily when he let out a deep groan. "Just let me know if you want me to stop at any time, okay?" 

Eddie sighed loudly in frustration as he rocked into Richie's touch. " _ I will _ ," he said, though he knew he wouldn't want him to stop. He dragged his nails down Richie's back, making him gasp and buck his own hips. "Pleeeease, Richie?" He whined. 

That was enough reassurance, for now at least, to get Richie to move on. He pulled away long enough to grab lubes from the drawer next to them and moved down the bed, sitting between Eddie's legs when he spread them wide. 

Richie leaned down and dragged his tongue along Eddie's cock, and Eddie had to claw at the sheets to keep from grabbing his hair and fucking his face. He didn't want a blowjob, he wanted to get  _ fucked.  _ Thankfully Richie had some mercy on him and just teased him with his mouth while he pressed two slick fingers into him slowly. 

The ache was wonderful and Eddie moaned loudly, pushing back on his fingers. Every time they fucked he was thankful for how stretched he had gotten from taking the massive dick that is Richie Tozier. It made it faster to actually get him inside, instead of spending thirty minutes preparing. 

"Oh god," he groaned as Richie fingered him slowly. "You don't know how hard I am, Rich." He wanted to reach down and touch himself but was too afraid of coming too fast. He had been able to get himself off in just five minutes fantasizing about this.

"Yeah baby, I can tell," Richie said as he pushed his fingers in deep before pulling them out and working in a third one. His voice had dropped just a bit as he spoke and Eddie’s heart leapt. Richie’s voice did this thing that Eddie couldn’t explain when he started slipping into that head space. “Want me to fuck you good? Want me to pound that pretty ass of yours?” 

“Yes, yes!” Eddie moaned as he fucked himself back against his fingers. “Please fuck me baby. I want you to fuck me so bad. Been thinking about how nice it’s going to be to feel your bare cock driving into me.” Eddie could feel himself quickly losing his ability to keep his mouth shut.

“Yeah? Can’t wait for me to split you open on my cock? Your such a fucking slut, sweetie. I love seeing how desperate you get for me to just fuck you,” Richie rambled back as he pushed in his forth finger, making Eddie whine. Hearing Richie talk like that thrilled Eddie, made him feel like maybe Richie would actually enjoy this, even if it was for a different reason than he was. 

“Oh god, Rich, stop talking about it and please just fuck me. Want you to fuck me and cum in me and fill me up, please? I’ve been thinking about it for so long and it sounds so good and I can’t wait for you to fuck me raw, baby,” he babbled. If Richie didn’t fuck him soon he was going to die, he could feel it. 

Richie groaned deep in his throat before pulling his fingers out, grinning from the way Eddie whined at being empty. “Shh, just wait a second, babe. You can go ten seconds without having something stuffed inside you, right?”

“Absolutely not,” Eddie snapped back. He probably could have something stuffed in his ass 24/7 if he wanted. Maybe someday he would. 

Richie laughed even as he lubed up his cock, stroking himself slowly with a sigh as he looked down at Eddie. “Need me to fuck you babe? Need my cock that badly?”

Eddie whined and reached out with his one hand to grab Richie, dragging him down on top of him and wrapping his legs around his waist. “Yes! Haven’t I told you that a million times just tonight?” Richie laughed again and Eddie grabbed his hair to force him into a kiss, biting at his lip and grinning from the noise Richie makes. 

Eddie shivered and tensed as Richie moved closer, feeling his cock brush against the underside of his balls. He could hear his heart pounding in his ears and trembled. 

“Are you really,  _ really,  _ sure you want me to fuck you bare?” Richie mumbled against him, his voice shifting into that soft cadence. 

“ _ Yes,  _ Richie. Baby, I’ve been thinking about this for weeks now. I want you to cum inside me so badly, okay? Yes I know all the scary stuff you’re thinking about but I don’t care, I want this,” he almost growled back. He knew he had to tell Richie instead of just whining and humping back against him before Richie would actually do anything. “Now please fuck me, Rich,” he said as he rolled back against him, shuddering from his cock brushing against him again. 

Richie nodded and kissed him sweetly before sitting up, looking down between them to watch as he lined his cock up and slowly pressed in. 

Eddie’s breath caught in his throat and his eyes went wide as he stared down at his body too. He couldn’t see Richie’s cock entering him, but he could feel it and see how his body inched closer to his. For a moment he thought he might pass out from the adrenaline spike that he swore he could  _ feel  _ his adrenal glands releasing. All the statistics he knew meant nothing had  _ actually  _ happened, nothing really would happen, but the thought of  _ “This is it, there’s no going back.”  _ hit him all at once. 

It didn’t feel too different from when Richie had fucked him before. That layer of latex wasn’t enough for it to change the heat of Richie’s cock much. But just  _ knowing  _ that it wasn’t there, that even right now, Richie’s cum was soaking into him, left Eddie’s head spinning. 

Eddie’s eyes rolled back in his head as he fell against the bed when Richie bottomed out. “Ooooh my god,” he moaned weakly.

“You okay, Eds?” Richie asked softly, reaching up to stroke Eddie’s cheek. 

He limply nodded, taking a few moments to just breathe and wrap his head around everything. “God yes,” he whispered. His whole body felt like it was on fire and he figured he could die happily right now. “Please,” he begged. 

Richie smiled and kissed him as he started to move in him, holding back his own moan. 

Eddie wondered if the difference between condom and raw was greater for Richie. Did it feel better without the condom on? Could he feel more? Eddie groaned as he thought about if it felt nicer, if Richie would want to fuck him bare more often after getting to feel it again for the first time in  _ years.  _

“Ooooh Richie,” he whined as he rolled back against him. “Oh my god. Oh my god.”  
Richie laughed softly and kissed his cheek, pushing back into him. “Feel nice?”

He nodded eagerly, wrapping his arm around Richie and clinging to him. “Feels so good, baby. Actually doesn’t feel that different but just knowing that it’s different makes it feel good,” he said as he rocked into his slow movements. “Want you to fuck me, Richie. Want you to properly fuck into me. Please, baby?”  
Richie groaned and dropped his head onto Eddie’s shoulder, snapping his hips and getting a sharp gasp out of him. “Yeah, Eds? Want me to fuck you nice and good like this?”  
“Yes, oh fuck yes. How does it feel for you, Rich? Does it feel different? Been wondering what you would think about this. I know you used to go bareback all the time. Does it feel good to do it again? Have you thought about fucking me raw and cumming inside me, filling me up with your cum?” Eddie was rambling, horny thoughts pouring out of him as he got caught up in how good it felt. 

Richie’s cock jumped and he slammed into Eddie, knocking the wind out of him. “Fuck, babe,” he said low and deep. “You can’t just say shit like that to me.”

Eddie laughed as much as he could as Richie started pounding into him. “You didn’t answer me. I want to know how many times we’ve fucked that you wished you could just rip that condom off in the middle of it all and shove your cock back inside?”

“Oh shit. I tried not to think about it too much, I never really considered doing it but  _ fuck  _ I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t sad about not being able to fuck you raw. I always loved filling my partners up and watching it drip back out, pushing it back in and eating them out,” Richie babbled back, hips snapping against Eddie’s and making him whine with each hit. 

The noise that came out of Eddie was something that he could never even begin to explain. “Ooooooh fuck,” he gritted out as he clawed into Richie’s back. He wasn’t going to last much longer. He had hardly touched his cock but he was so overwhelmed that he knew he would cum soon. “Want you to cum in me, Richie. I want you to bury that cock of yours in me and shoot your load. Oh god Richie, please cum in me.”

Richie grunted against his neck as he fucked Eddie hard, digging his fingers into his hips to drag him close. “Yeah baby, I’m going to fill you up so good. Gonna fuck my cum inside of you, cover your guts in it.” 

Eddie whined as he rutted back against him, shoving his hand down between them and jerking his cock, panting as he felt himself closing in on his own orgasm. He had to fight his body to keep from cumming, clenching his jaw and shaking from how tight his muscles were. “Please Richie, please. I’m gonna cum but I want to feel you filling me up first. Please, please,” he begged, taking his hand off his cock for a second to try and bring himself back from the edge. 

“Shit, Eds. Gonna give it to you, baby, here it comes,” Richie groaned as he slammed into Eddie, grunting against him as he fucked himself through his orgasm, rocking his hips deep into Eddie’s ass to bury his cum inside him. 

Eddie grabbed his cock again and gasped, a small and breathless noise, when Richie buried himself and started to cum. His eyes shot open as he hardly needed to stroke himself to cum, the knowledge of Richie cumming  _ raw  _ inside of him, filling him up, pouring his cum inside him, enough to throw him over. It was an intense orgasm, his whole body seizing up and quaking, mouth dropped open. His heart pounded and he couldn’t breathe. 

_ Oh my god, he’s cumming inside me. He’s rawing me, he doesn’t have a condom on. Oh my god he could infect me oh my god. He’s low and it’s only once but  _ still  _ he could do it. I’m so scared, this shouldn’t feel so good but oh fuck I want him to. I’ll never be able to go back from this, we’re always going to go bareback from now on. Oh my god he’s so deep, he’s flooding my guts. What if he actually did though. I could never ask him, he’d have to go off his meds and that’s too dangerous, but oh my god what if he could.  _ Eddie’s thoughts raced through him as he gasped for breath, shaking and wheezing softly under Richie who was just rocking into him slowly as he came down from his orgasm. 

“Are you okay, Eds?” Richie said softly, pressing kisses all over the skin he could reach. His voice was ragged and in that soft falsetto he used when he was worried. 

“Yeah,” Eddie replied, voice hardly coming out. Part of him wanted to scramble to grab his inhaler to help his breathing, but there was no way he was going to get out from under Richie and be able to move on his own. “Just...just need ah, a second.” 

He tried to calm his breathing down, knowing that if he could just get that under control he wouldn’t feel so panicked. A tingle built up in the back of his throat before it spilled out as a laugh, soft and stuttering at first before boiling into a full laugh. He was crying too, he realized after a moment. He covered his face with his hand despite the cum on it, trying to hide the tears and muffle his laughter. 

“Baby?” Richie asked quietly, propping himself up to look down on him.

“Y-Yeah,” he laughed and sobbed all at once. His heart was still pounding, and his hand was shaky. He was good, just flooded with endorphins and mixed emotions. “I’m okay.” Richie nodded gently and just stroked his hair, giving him a moment. 

He calmed down slowly, manic laughter and sniffles smoothing out into ragged breathing. “Okay,” he said softly. 

“Need me to pull out, babe?” 

Eddie whined at the thought of being empty again but nodded, breathing out slowly as Richie eased his big cock out of his ass. He let out a soft noise once his cock was out, feeling himself gaping open and  _ wet. _ Not like how he usually was with lube slicked against him, but wetter. If he pushed he could feel more dribble out of him and he felt both so amazed by the feeling and disappointed at the waste of cum. 

Richie flipped onto his side next to him, pressing his sweaty forehead against Eddie's shoulder. "Was that too much? I got a little carried away for a second and I want to make sure I didn't push you too far or make you uncomfortable." 

"No, that was great. God, I love it when you get carried away, you get so rough and it feels so good," Eddie said. 

"Are you okay with….everything, emotionally?" Richie asked as he gestured towards himself. 

Eddie sighed slowly and nodded, biting back his frustration.  _ I enjoyed it because of "everything",  _ Eddie wanted to shout at him. It made his stomach twist, knowing he was keeping this fucked up little secret from his husband. But what was he going to do? Make things even more uncomfortable by telling him "I want you to keep fucking me raw because the fact that you're HIV+ is hot and the idea of you passing it onto me is even hotter"? No thanks. 

"It was  _ really  _ nice," he said instead, groaning as he flipped onto his side and grabbed at Richie to cuddle up close to him. He smiled up at Richie, leaning up to kiss him with a deep sigh. “Like,  _ really, really,  _ nice.”

Richie smiled and kissed him back, pressing their foreheads together. “Okay. I’m sorry I got carried away for a little there, I just… you seemed like you were enjoying it and I just sort of got lost in the moment and just-”  
“Shhh, Richie,” Eddie said sternly, setting his hand on his cheek and looking him in those big, beautiful blue eyes. “Listen to me. I _loved_ having you lose yourself, I always love it. I love how much you care about me and respect me, but I also love it when we’re fucking and you absolutely _destroy_ me.”

Richie took in a deep shaky breath and looked back at him for a few moments before nodding slowly. “Okay,” he said, but Eddie could tell it would take a few more conversations for Richie to actually internalize the information. “Do you want me to help get you cleaned up?”

Eddie kissed his nose and nodded. “Yeah, I don’t want to get up and have all of this squirting out of me,” he said with a laugh, grinning when Richie joined him. 

“I’ll be back in a second,” Richie said as he kissed him and sat up, groaning from the effort as he stood and made his way to the bathroom to get a washcloth. 

Eddie sighed as he relaxed onto the bed, clenching his hole and shivering as he felt the tickle of Richie’s cum slipping down his ass. His heart fluttered as he thought about the terrifying possibilities that cum could have in it and his stomach twisted over on itself, threatening to spill its contents. Guilt was washing over him in the wake of his arousal, but he knew he would just do it all over again, and again. 

_ Oh my god, I’m so fucked up. _


End file.
